Tips for the New Boy

The playground is built on top of a graveyard.

Press your ear to the tarmac and you'll hear the undead

scratching on their coffin lids.

 

Once, we caught the school cook sneezing

into the tomato sauce as she was stirring it.

Never choose the pizza option.

 

There's a two-way mirror in the girls' changing room

(the one next to ours).

 

Our teacher has a morbid fear of frogs. Don't mention them.

Always clear your throat before entering the classroom.

 

We're allowed to draw on the cover of our learning journal.

 

The lock in the boys' toilet always gets stuck.

Best to leave the door slightly open.

 

When the fire alarm is tested,

the first person out of the class wins a prize.

 

Each summer, one classmate is kept back for a whole year.

It's usually the teacher's favourite pupil.

 

The headmaster doesn't like you to knock on his door

when you're delivering a message.

He prefers you to sing it through the keyhole.

 

On Fridays, we always bring in a box of Gummy Bears

to share with our friends.

 

Don't believe everything you've been told.

Only one of these statements is true.