Man… I Had it Made

I’m amazing

Seriously I’m really very cool

When I went to school

With the headmaster

I drafed the rules.

We studied my hair

My cares

The clothes that I wear

In athletics we worked in pairs

Leapfrogging over teachers.

I say, ‘Man… I had it made.’

In assembly

All praised me

Whilst I sat serenely

Up on the stage

The deputy head

Kneeling as my page

The girls played with my hair

Putting it into braids.

I say, ‘Man… I had it made.’

School holidays were had

In celebration of my greatness

When the Queen came to visit

She called me Her Liege

And we sat in the staffroom

Drinking the teacher’s tea

Eating their cookies

We were hated

We ate all the sweeties

From the cupboard of things

Confiscated.

I say, ‘Man… I had it made.’

In maths we learnt trigonometry

By flying fighter planes

In science we studied biology

By experimenting on living brains

Geography was graded

By air miles flown

And in technology – oh my days!

We had to design our own

Mobile phones.

Mine was blinged out

Cos I was the best

It had an interface

To help me cheat on tests

It was an I-pod-PSP-Motorola

With remote control for my dirt bike

A built-in sub-woofer

To ensure I was heard right

The camera was built-in

And came with a camera crew

And the blue-tooth headset

Was set in ear muffs

To protect me from the flu.

I say, ‘Man… I had it made.’

But one day I wake up

Not feeling my best

I look down and count

One… two… three… Three!

Hairs on my chest

I call to my mum

muM… muM… MUM!

But my voice sounds like a foghorn

I look at my nose

And it’s got a pimple on!

I feel my chin

And it’s feeling kinda rough!

And I keep getting emotional

About really silly stuff.

I say, ‘Man… I didn’t have it made.’

I put on my jacket

And went to first class

Avoiding the girls

Afraid they would laugh

First class was science

And everyone was silent

The topic was ‘puberty’

And no one had revised it

We learnt about hormones

And things getting bigger

About personal hygiene

And BO being the trigger

Then Sir puts on a film

And there’s a boy

Who looks like me

He’s got a deep voice

His chin’s a bit stubble

‘This boy… is becoming a MAN!’

Said the teacher with a smile

Well.. I took my cue

Whipped off my jacket

And the girls went wild

They took pictures of my pimples

And clippings of my chest hair

I said, ‘Easy ladies, these fellers are rare.’

The other guys were jealous

But I didn’t care

Because I was becoming a man

And Man… I HAD IT MADE!

© Joseph Coelho from Overheard in a Tower Block (Otter-Barry Books)